My Stupid Pants

I have this pair of pants...everytime I see them I always say, "oh God, I hate those f*%$ing pants." EVERY.TIME. I can just hear my friend Mike saying, "why you gotta be hatin' on those pants, lady, what did those pants ever do to you?" I'll tell you what those pants did to me...oh I'll tell you alright.

Ya see, it all started when I went to that one store, yeah, you know the one I'm talking about...the one targeted for the "bigger gal." Uh huh, THAT one. So there I am, minding my own business, when I see stacks and stack of jeans. Blue jeans. Black jeans. I love jeans. They're so comfy and you can't really see the crap I wipe on them throughout the day. Wash hands. Dry on jeans. Sneeze. Wipe on jeans. Dog slobber. Rub into jeans.

Like I said, there I was...eyeballin' all these jeans, trying to figure out which ones I wanted to try on when the buxom clerk walked up to me with a tape measure and asked if I wanted a bra fitting. Well heck yeah I did! No! No, really, I didn't. All I wanted was to snag a few pairs of jeans and get the heck outta there. And if that's what happened I wouldn't be telling this story, would I?

The clerk stood there looking me up and down, chin in hand, index finger tapping her lip, deep in thought. "Blue dot," she says. "Huh? Blue dot?" Says I. "Yes," she explains. "You see," she says, "studies have shown that larger women don't like the double digits in their dress sizes, it makes them feel...well... large...so we decided to revamp our store's entire sizing system and you, my dear, are a blue dot." Well ain't that some sh#*...ok, ok, fine, hand me the damn pants, and I'll put my big blue dot ass in 'em and we'll just see how this goes down. I mean, I don't want to feel LARGE, or anything...


I make my way to the dressing room, pull down my pants as fast as I can and slip on the new ones to find that they fit ok. Great, they button, they zip. I'm all set, that's all I need. I stop and realize for a moment that I am generally too hasty in this clothes shopping game but decide that I really don't care. I'm not in the mood for breathlessly trying on outfits for the next hour to find just the right one. These jeans ZIP UP! That's all I need to know, I'm OUTTA here. I'm DONE.

I proudly take my new blue dots to the register and pay entirely too much, but that's ok, 'cuz I'm in the "big store" where no skinny clerks are allowed and the fat girl section is not located DIRECTLY next to the maternity section. OMFG what flippin brainiac came up with that idea? Do you know how many maternity shirts I've mistakenly bought at Target? FML! Maybe, I dunno, just MAYBE, they could put maternity clothes next to the infant clothes??? But what do I know, I just work here....or whatever, you know what I mean. Major sidetrack, sorry...

I take my new clothes home and excitedly rip the tags off and throw those bad boys on. New clothes must be worn right away. Everyone knows this. I spend the next several hours relaxing at home, watching tv, doing dishes, talking on the phone in the new duds. It doesn't take long for me to absolutely abhor everything about these new fangled jeans. They're just weird. First of all, there is enough space in the back side for at least three asses. Not three cheeks, y'all. THREE.WHOLE.ASSES. That's right...SIX cheeks. They're like stretchy or something, so everytime I walk, more space stretches out for more asses. I don't know how big the clerk thought my stomach bone was, but I'm noticing that the top of the jeans are resting right under...well, right under my boobies, ok? This is not good. These are not polyester pants and this chick ain't 82 years old. I have a shape and it ain't the kool-aid man. Also...there's a weird smell. Burnt plastic, maybe? With a little bit of sulfur on the side. I do not like this smell. No. These pants are all wrong.

I know what you're thinking...why don't you take them back? And I swear, I had every intention to do it, but day after day, I'd remember, "Oh, I have to take those craptastic pants back!" And as soon as I'd remember, the thought had floated right on out of my head. And after a while the blue dots were part of my wardrobe, in the weekly laundry cycle, the last choice to wear for the day, mind you, but sometimes I do slip 'em on and silently curse the day I paid forty dollars so I wouldn't have to see a number in my pants. I've thus far been unsuccessful in finding any other asses to share them with. And honestly, if I took them back, what "size" would I exchange them for? Yellow triangles? Blue moons? You'll never get me lucky charms!

And now...for a completely inappropriate, yet funny picture, brought to you by Natalie Dee at http://www.nataliedee.com/

What I See at the Spelling Beeeee

So here I am at the Colorado Convention Center in a long desolate hallway while my lovely 13 year old daughter is herded into a giant room with several hundred other nerdy kids who can spell things like pnuematic and phlegm. She'll be in there for the next 90 minutes taking a written test to determine if she will be going on stage for the oral portion of the day. I'm not nervous for the kid...this sort of thing comes naturally to her, she's like...so totally talented.

Meanwhile her mama is waiting anxiously at a large round table that seats eight with another lady who was here first. Though we are sharing the table equally, she was here before me, so I am trying to keep my table drumming and foot tapping to a minimum. I sooo enjoy people watching and this hallway is ripe with entertaining folks to observe.

Downtown Denver


The lady at my table is wearing a pink t-shirt and pink headphones and every so often she giggles softly while reading a book that looks like it's straight out of Oprah's Book Club. To my left is a lady in the typical Colorado fleece winter vest complete with that crazy ski goggle sunburnt face. I can't help but notice that "goggle face lady" is missing the pinky finger on her left hand...and she's doing a crossword puzzle, writing with that same left hand. I pick up my own pencil, right handed, of course, and try to simualate what it would be like to write with no pinky...giggling to myself, I remember this is the exact thing I would snap at Danika for doing. You don't call attention to the different people, Danika! For what it's worth, I think I can live without a pinky.

Half an hour in and I've gone potty...yeah, I call it potty, what's it to ya??? I've gotten my make up on so I don't have to hear every Tom, Dick, and Harry comment that I look soooo tired...am I ok? Eyeliner really does work wonders. I love you eyeliner...and mascara...and lipgloss...oh how I loooove you! iTunes is blasting in my ears...Olivia Newton John wants to get Physical and Kool Moe Dee is rappin' about the Wild Wild West and Ginger just wants to get up and do a few cartwheels and dance around for a few minutes in this wide open space. But that just isn't done, is it? Us humans have to follow the rules, don't we? No random dancing, NO! Dancing can only happen at weddings and at late night drunken bar runs and in the privacy of your living room when the kids are off to school. Those are the rules and they must be followed lest we endure the judgemental stares from "people". For now I'll settle with a little chair dancing, wallflower style. Nobody puts baby in the corner!

Slight interruption from my good friend Davey updating me on his latest love interest. The boy always has his head in the clouds, hopeless romantic that he is, the conversation is over as quickly as it started, he must get back to the girl. That's always the way, isn't it? Friends become scarce when girlfriends and boyfriends come out to play. If we haven't found it already we're always out looking for our one true love. Sigh.

The guy at the end of the hallway has been smiling ever since he got here 45 minutes ago. His laughter is infectious and the crowd gathered at his table are clearly entertained by his over the top stories, wild hand movements and genuine happiness that exudes from his every cell. I'd love to get closer to hear what is so dang funny but I'm sure that awkard encounter would put a screeching halt to the good time. A tap on my shoulder...it's a tiny Korean woman shoving the daily newspaper under my nose..."Rook! The sperring bee is in da paper!" I thank her for the info and am impressed that she was willing to approach me even though her English is not perfect. I remember how daunting it was to live in Korea and know the language but be so afraid to talk for fear that I would be misundersood or made fun of. Never happened once. I think it's true that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. But I'm still scared of stuff.

Rocky's finished with the written test and makes her way down the hall to where I'm camped out with my laptop, pepsi, make up, peanut butter cookies, cell phone and sunflower seeds. She's chuckling to herself as she tells me that some kids asked for alternate "pronounciations" of words. Is that ironic? Hahaha, Yes, I think it is! We're sitting here sharing my headphones and listening to Journey...Any way you want it! That's the way you need it!!!! I love how an iPod can transform your boring day into a little internal dance party. And can I just say with my out loud voice how much I am enjoying a little alone time with this awesome girl? She was the only child for 5 years and once her brother and sister were born I haven't had much one on one time with her. She is a cool kid who is currently drawing a coconut tree on a beach. Coconut has to be my FAVORITE smell everrrrr!!! It makes me think of beaches and sun and all sorts of deliciousness...tropical drinks, swimming, salty air, and sleeping in a hammock.



I suppose I should post the finale of this story. The real reason we are here is for the Rock Star to shine, not for me to fine tune my people watching skills. So...the family all arrived at lunchtime and we sat around a big round table, all of us together, eating a little something. Sally made us an "invention". Saltine crackers with turkey and cheese...little cracker sandwiches were the invention of the day! We sat patiently through a speech given by last year's winner, man, spelling bee kids are such nerds! I'm surprised he didn't have like a golden dictionary as his trophy. The nerd's speech was charming, but I really had to laugh at his aim high and reach for the stars motivational words...really kid? Is spelling misanthrope really gonna make me a realllly successful ladyyyyy??? I dunno.

Here's what I do know...the announcer lady announced all the finalists for the oral round of the spelling bee. The eight of us sat around the table waiting to hear Rocky's name called. We waited til the end and her name was not called. And there was that split second when we all felt a little defeated by this crazy state spelling bee. Rocky allowed a tear to form in her eye and almost as soon as it was there, it was wiped away and she was off to collect her test results. Poor kid, I think she was shocked by what she found. So many of the words on that list were REALLY hard! I'm impressed she got to go to the State Spelling Bee, amazing kid, that one. I guess she forgot to memorize the dictionary. Sue us!

Back In The Day...The Korea Headache Story

Quick Background: I lived in Seoul, South Korea for 3 years from 1999-2002 with my now ex-husband and oldest daughter who was 2 years old at the time. He was stationed there with the military and I worked as an English teacher part time. Boring stuff outta the way, on to the story...

Having newly arrived in Korea, Ben and I wanted to set out on adventure for the day. We had heard about this amazing place called Lotte World (pronounced low-tay), so we hopped on the subway to see what we could see, Hey! Lotte World is a huge indoor and outdoor amusement park. Along with a huge mall. And food court. And ice skating rink. You could spend days there entertaining yourself. On this day we decided to browse the mall, grab a bite to eat, just take a look around. Soak it all in.

Ginger and Rocky at Lotte World


As we were perusing the various shops, I noticed Ben wasn't feeling so great. He kept rubbing his head and he had this awful scowl on his face. I asked what was wrong and he said he had a headache but didn't have his usual supply of advil with him. I knew if we didn't act fast this headache would be a total buzz kill to our day. I mean...we all know men have a very low tolerance for pain and a headache could mean a few days in bed and chicken noodle soup and could you go get me a movie and where's my coke and fluff my pillow, oh my! Yeah, the man needed to be medicated ASAP!

There was a pharmacy inside the mall but the military had mandated that US military members not enter Korean pharmacies. I suppose they were worried about people buying medicines in Korea that would be illegal in the US. Valid concern I guess, but we needed aspirin and we needed it now! Ben agonized over this...he wanted the headache to be gone but he didn't want to break the rules. We finally came up with the brilliant idea that I could go buy the drugs! I wasn't in the military anymore so clearly I was exempt from their silly rules.

Korean Pharmacy, pronounced kang yak gook. Yak gook is the word for pharmacy, kang is the name of this particular pharmacy.


I walked into the pharmacy, ready to impress the pharmacist with my Korean Language skills and to save the day with a box of aspirin. I looked at the pharmacist and said the following in Korean...well, at least this is what I THOUGHT I was saying.

Ginger: "Hello. My husband has a headache. Do you have any aspirin for his headache?"
Pharmacist: "What?"
Ginger: "My husband has a HEADACHE (louder...because that's what you DO when someone can't understand you.) Do you have ASPIRIN?"
Pharmacist: "What? What do you want?"
Ginger: "HEADACHE. NEED ASPIRIN." (No more polite talk, just blunt and to the point.)
Pharmacist: "Aspirin? Okkkkkk...." (That okkkkk was accompanied by a huge eye roll, by the way.)

I walked out of the store, aspirin in hand feeling totally dejected. All I wanted was to buy some aspirin and impress the Korean dude with my language skills. He didn't seem at all impressed and acted like buying aspirin was the most ridiculous thing in the world!

Ben asked what had taken so long and I said, I don't know I guess he just didn't understand my accent or something because it took forever for him to figure out that I wanted to buy a box of aspirin...all I was said was, "제 남편은 머리카락 있어요. 아스피린 있어요?" Ben stopped opening the aspirin, looked at me and started chuckling. He said, "Oh Ginger...Ginger Ginger Maringer, you just told him that I had HAIR and that I needed aspirin for my HAIR, ha ha ha ha!"

And that is the Korea Headache story...I still giggle about it and try not to be too harsh to the foreigners I meet when they ask ME for aspirin for their hair. I mean, it's the least I can do.

People Are Coming!

Yesterday I realized I set off a chain of events which will have me frantically cleaning alternated with bouts of extreme laziness and procrastination. You see...PEOPLE are coming. That's right, I invited people over. To eat. And hang out. And...whatever people do when gathered en masse.

Oh the fun we will have...jokes will be told, we'll all throw our heads back in laughter, hahaha..."Muffy, wasn't that simply hilarious!" Muffy replies, "Oh yes, Duke, that was quite humorous!" The ladies will comment on how delicious the food is and exclaim, "Dear, I absolutely must have this recipe for my garden party next month." Oh, a gay time will be had by all, indeed! INDEED!

But...

...ah yes, you knew there would be a but. (or a butt)

This fine event will take place in two days time, and here I sit supremely distracted by things including, but not limited to: Facebook, Skype, squirrels, guacamole, my toe nails, when's the last time I shaved?, dog poop, purple light bulbs, is tomorrow trash day?...Aw crap! I'm firmly entrenched in the extreme lazy/procrastination phase. And there's so much to do, so much cleaning to be done, I need to clean ALL the things!



First things first...I've really been wanting to tackle the linen closet...it's just sooo disorderly and I need ORDER in my life, people. ORDER, I tell you! Dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, cooking, you can ALL wait, because the linen closet is bothering me NOW! This must be done or a successful gathering will NOT be had!

Steps to cleaning a linen closet:

1. Open door, stare at crap for 5 minutes.
2. Pee (in the bathroom, silly!)
3. Back to closet, stare some more.
4. Take everything out of closet and throw it on dining table.
5. Admire crap
6. Kids pick up crap and ask if they can have this. Say no. Think silently to self, why not?
7. Pick up lint roller and rub it all over clothes. Wonder why I don't use this more often.
8. Watch squirrels. Hmmm...are they married? Decide yes, they are.
9. Go to store, buy chips, salsa and guacamole. And donuts.
10. Come home. Eat chips, salsa and guacamole. And donuts. Go to bathroom. FAST!
11. Look at crap on dining table. Turn computer on.
12. Find eyeliner, put a lot on. Daughter says I look like a mime. Make frowning mime face.
13. Agonize over throwing out 9 year old deodorant.
14. Smell perfume. Stinks. Don't throw it out. Give THAT to youngest daughter.
15. Sweep all of crap off table into large cardboard box. Throw it in garage. Vow to organize it "later."

Stay tuned for the next chapter of "I shoulda done this, but instead I did that." And other tales like, "How I pulled that off at the last minute, when really, I should have failed miserably."

Credit for totally awesome paint drawing goes to this blog, which is QUITE humorous, I can guarantee!
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
Be sure to read this post:
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html