I Forgot To Sleep

I was standing at the kitchen window this morning downing my daily dose of allergy meds when I noticed out of the corner of my eye a small bird pecking at the ground. Having a little time to kill I thought I'd take a few minutes and soak in some nature, kinda like national geographic, except suburban style. A few minutes into watching the bird, I realized he (well, I assume it was a he) wasn't pecking at all, he was pulling a worm out of the ground! At first I thought it was really cool because here I am up at 5:30 am watching an EARLY bird catch the worm! This has to mean something, maybe a sure sign of luck for me...today will be a GOOD day because I have seen the early bird and it is indeed catching its worm. Except...it was disgusting. The bird was yanking this fat juicy worm out of the ground with its creepy pointy beak while the worm would do its best to wiggle itself back into the ground. And so it went, over and over...yank, wiggle, yank, wiggle, yank, wiggle, until finally YANK! And the bird won...the worm was bloody and wounded and would not be returning to its little dirt tunnel. I felt nauseous and decided...maybe today won't be so good, it surely wasn't for that poor worm! Stupid selfish pig headed bird!

And on the morning went...I tossed a load of laundry in and set about getting the kids up for school. One by one they dragged themselves out of bed only to plop down on the couch to watch tv. Breakfast made and dishes done, I popped in to check on the laundry. And that's when I smelled it. Burning. Something was burning! But what??? "Oh my gosh," I thought, "It's true! Lint CAN catch on fire!" This CANNOT be happening...I threw open the dryer door and massive amounts of pale green lint came billowing out, the clothes that had been drying for an hour were still completely wet. I pulled the lint trap out and scads of lint fell onto the floor, nothing was burning but the scent of smoldering lint wafted into the air. I'd caught it in time, no fire today. I foresee a fun new dryer-taking-apart project in my near future, but not now. Now we have to drive to schoooool!!!

As we rush out the door, I flip the light switch only to hear a quick *pop* and the garage goes dark. Great. ONE.MORE.THING.TO.DO. Fine! We fumble our way to the van and I open the garage door and notice it's still raining...oh and look...there are my trash cans sitting on the curb, lids off, collecting copious amounts of rain water. Add that to the list. Mental list. Things I gotta do. Must remember the things to do...wet laundry, suck lint, fix light bulb, dump water out of trash cans, bring them inside. Ok, I can handle all that. Yes. As long as I don't forget. Now then...kids all buckled in their seats, time for the drive to school. Kid #1, Miss teenager that she is, rushes into the building to make it to her first class and I'm not more than a mile away when I get a phone call from the office that I need to come on back and bring the kid her cell phone. Wonderful. Fine. Drop #2 & #3 off and rush home to retrieve said phone and hurry back to school for a speedy delivery. It's not even 9am yet and I'm already tired. At some point today, sleep must happen because work will happen tonight, whether sleep comes or not.

I finally get home and breathe a sigh of relief because I'm all alone in the house and it's time to rest. I like resting. It's my favorite...next to boiled peanuts, baths and swimming. I have a date with my laptop, a bowl of ice cream and a dining room table. It's internet time, time to relax before nappy time. But first I make
a much needed pit stop in the bathroom. I have to pee like every hour. What is THAT about? Is it because I have 3 kids and they stomped all over my bladder and now it's all misshapen or something? It's annoying! Anyway, so there I was...minding my own business...DOING my business, just number ONE, y'all, gosh...when I dropped my phone...yeah, yeah, I was playing on my phone on the toilet, whatevs. Anyway, I lean over to pick up the phone and I hear a loud CRACK. FUCK. I just cracked the fucking toilet seat. I gingerly (haha, see what I did there?) sat my hiney back down so I could finish my biznissssss. This is an important lesson I need to share. You see, apparently when you SIT on a cracked toilet seat, said seat expands, or the crack opens up a little, if you will, like a tiny shark with teeny little razor-y shark-y teeth. (Rocky used to call sharks "sharper fish" when she was a little kid...cute little childhood memory for ya.) ANYWAY...when you stand up, the toilet seat teeth grab your ass like an angry little bitch shark and hang on for dear life. Shit! That really hurt! I guess that's one more thing on the old list...but later. Pretty much everything can wait, because as I mentioned before, I.NEED.TO.SLEEP!

Finally I have a few minutes to sit down at my beloved laptop. I might read the news, chat with a few friends and generally just waste time until the sleeping pills kick in. This is a grand plan and I LIKE it. Wasting time is ALSO my favorite. While I'm sitting in the chair I notice that it's wobbling really bad. This could be an emergency. What if...one day I sit down in the wobbly ass chair and I break my back or my leg or something. That would hurt. Also, maybe I couldn't walk anymore. I would not like that. No. No, I wouldn't. I decide this is definitely an emergency and needs fixed straight away. I skip out to the garage (yes, I really did skip...what can I say, I was in a good mood...skipping happens, don't fight it, y'all.) and get a screwdriver. I know how to fix wobbly chair! I am on top of this one! Wait, it wasn't a screwdriver at all, it was that other kind. The bendy metal thing that comes in like...packs of 10 in different sizes. It was one of those. Yeah. That's what I fixed the chair with. Anyway, look, long story short...I fixed the freaking chair, ok. I like FINISHED fixing something and it's all sturdy and shit now.

I'm starting to get a little annoyed now because I was supposed to putz around on my stupid computer and then fall asleep! This is the plan and I only have about 7 more hours to make it happen. I decide to run out to the mailbox and check the mail. This turns out to be a bad idea. Do you want to know why? I'll tell you why. Fuck the IRS. Ok? Fuck them. They have my money and I want it back. Does anybody know a guy with a big huge scary pipe who can go rough up the IRS and tell them to gimme my MONEYYYYYYY??? No? Fine. I'll open the stupid letter those rat bastards sent me and fill out another 15 forms so I can wait yet another 2 months for my refund. Whatever. Oh...and by the way, the mail was soaked because it was raining. And the special envelope I have to mail my forms back in? Yeah, it's TOTALLY glued shut! How am I gonna find an envelope with that dumb ass cellophane window in just the right place to display the address? Huh? Tell me that! Fuck it. I'll just rip the damn thing open, stuff my shit in there and tape it back together. It won't look una-bomber'ish at all. Right. Fuck the IRS. Did I already say that? Tough. Fuck 'em.

It's around noon time now and I could totally get 3 and a half hours sleep before I have to pick up the kids. I could. If I got into bed. And it's about this time I'm wondering how mother flippin' effective those sleeping pills are. Not very much, by golly, because I am still conscious. I'm thinking that since I can't sleep, it'll be a real nice time to clean out the garage. Who doesn't love a good old fashioned garage cleanin? Hmmm??? I suppose I'll tackle this project alone, you know, since I forgot to have adult companionship of any kind around. Bollocks! I have like...eight things. Not much at all. When you move and start over, somehow, there is a severe lack of stuff. That is ok. I do not like stuff, but the stuff that I possess shall be lined up in pretty lines, boxes stacked neatly, everything will be just so, because THIS IS MY GODDAMN HOUSE AND I SAID SO! Ahem...Sorry, anyway, the garage did in fact get cleaned, by my hands. I did it. Done, complete, finito. And, oh joy! I found my wedding ring. Isn't that exciting? Anyone want it? No, for reals...cuz, I could mayyyybe get 12 dollars for it, but maybe it needs a good home. Or maybe it needs to be drowned in the middle of Lake Loveland. Maybe it does. And Maybe I can make that happen. I've murdered a wedding ring before, don't make me do it again, fuckers. I can murder the shit out of a ring.

I gotta be honest, I'm tired of writing this damn post. I was tired the day I did all this crap, but reliving it? MORE tired! All I wanted to do was convey the fact that EVERYTHING gets in the way of me sleeping for work. So I do not sleep. To finish up, I shall write the rest of the things I did on this day in an orderly list so that you understand how I really didn't do a damn thing but couldn't get a moment's peace all day long...

*Went to visit friend and new baby at hospital
*Made mad rush to Wal Mart before visiting friend in hospital for totally awesome welcome baby gift
*While at hospital washed my hands (accidentally) in one of those mother fucking bunn hot water spouts. Hands then throbbed like a cartoon character for the rest of day. Red, throbby ouchiness all.effin.day.
*Picked kids up from school
*Tried to make dinner
*Oldest daughter cried that the poop our dog was eating was not poop at all, but a dead bird. Poison worm? Maybeeee...
*Pick up dead bird and give it a god damn funeral in the trash can.
*Son kicked ball over house into neighbors yard. Neighbor's dog finds ball and absconds into the house with it...then teases us for the next hour going in and out of the doggie door saying "ha ha ha, I have your ball, you dumb ass kid" each time.
*Our dog rips my son's shoe off his foot and runs away with it. After much chasing and yelling, mom rescues shoe. And tells dog to quit bein an asshole.
*Dinner, 2nd attempt. Find mold on hot dogs. Go to McDonald's.
*Eat, clean up mess.
*Take dryer apart, suck lint. Lots of it.
*Make 2 kids take baths.
*Take shower. It's cold. Kids took all the hot water. Try not to whine. Whine anyway.
*Get kids to their dad's so mom can go to work. It's 8 pm. How did this happen? It was just 8 am 5 minutes ago.
*Call co-worker and say...I forgot to sleep...can I come in at midnight? Co-worker loves me and says yes. Yay!
*Sleep. 3 hours. Glorious.
*Drive to work...fast...get pulled over by cop who from a different police department. Cop asks the right questions so Ginger does not get a ticket. (Where are you going so fast? Work! Where do you work? Police dispatch!!! Yessssss!!!) Sergeant from MY police department backs up cop who pulled me over. Now I am embarrassed. And Sergeant thinks it's funny. So funny. Cannot live this one down. Vow to stop speeding...but then remember how much fun it is, so I say fuck it and drive fast anyway.
*Get to work, finally. Bored to tears.
*Get home at 7am, remember the stupid dog didn't want to come inside last night. I hope she learned her lesson. She got sprayed by a skunk. And now I'm suffering for it.

Good fucking night.