How'd You Do It????

Every once in a while I get brave enough to show that picture there below.  That is, of course, the "before" picture on the left.  It sounds soooo dramatic!  Look how terrible I looked BEFORE!!!  As if the after picture is the end all, be all...as if happiness can only be found in the after picture...

  

Anyway, people are very kind when they see the picture.  I usually hear things like "Oh my God!  That doesn't look anything like you!"  Or..."WOW!  How much weight did you lose?"  And to tell you the truth, I really hate answering that question, because I can see the internal calculations in their eyes...the subtracting, the figuring and then the realization that, yes, I am still fat.  That's right...I've lost 90+ pounds and I still have a large amount to lose.  I'm not "there" yet.  I don't really know for sure that I'll ever be "there." 

The truth is, it takes work to achieve a goal.  You always hear that you can be anything you want to be, or you can do whatever you want as long as you set your mind to it.  Well, ok, that's true, but let's not forget the amount of thinking, planning, deciding, and just flat out DOING that takes place to get to that goal.  It's not easy, in fact, as I sit here and write this post, tears are rolling down my face because weight has been a battle I've been fighting for close to 20 years.  If my predictions are correct, I think I'll be battling it for the rest of my life, I will just have been one of the lucky few to battle it from inside a slim body. 

The big question is always, "HOW'D YOU DO IT???"  Everyone always wants to know...how does a person lose 90 pounds???  They're like, "Hey!  I'm fat too!  I want to lose weight just like you!"

For this latest round of weight loss, I've entered myself into a fitness competition.  If you're overweight, I'm sure "fitness competition" sounds scary.  It's not.  It's just a fancy way of saying, "I paid $25 to try to lose more weight than any of the other people who entered so I can win the $250 prize."  Nothin' to it!  These fitness competitions seem to work for me...I like the idea that other people are out there working super hard to win a prize that I really want and EVEN IF YOU LOSE the money, you still WIN!!!  How cool is that?  Even if I ONLY lose 5 pounds, that's 5 pounds less than I was before and that is most DEFINITELY A WIN!  This competition is 8 weeks long and I set a goal of 25 pounds.  That's just over 3 pounds per week, but I think if I stick with my diet and exercise plan, I can come very close to the mark, I am EXCITED...here we go!!!

So...Happy Birthday?

I was at King Soopers this morning in search of the perfect birthday card.  It doesn't exist.  There.  I've saved you a lot of trouble...now you know, the birthday card that says everything you want it to is not out there.   Stop trying, you won't find it...just buy something that folds in half, stick a gift card inside and call it done, ok? 

I've been sitting at my desk for the past four hours trying to figure out what to write in this damn card!  What to say, what to say?  I don't know!!!!  Oh God, I don't know WHAT the hell to say!!! 

         "Dear New Boyfriend of 2 Months, Hi!  Happy Birthday!  You're cute! 

 Ok, bye!  See ya later!"

No...that won't work, I sound like an idiot.  Bye?  See ya later?  Really?  Ugh.

     "Dear Roger*, Hey, remember that time you peed on the toilet seat and you  

   wiped it right up?  Yeah, that was pretty awesome.  Anyway, Happy Birthday!"

*Name changed to protect the...whatever...forget it, this one is dumb too...

                                  "Hi Honey Bunny!  Happy Birthday, you're awesome and I hope you have an awesome birthday even though you won't be with me and I made all these plans and it was going to be so fun, but whatever, you'll be with your family, and I guess that's cool because I mean, that one lady did give birth to you and all, but it's like..whatever, like...we were gonna play air hockey together and eat steak and I was gonna be all heyyyyyy happy birthday, here's an awesome present, do you love it, do ya?  do ya?  So, it's fine, I'll just be at home by myself, watching Netflix with my bag of microwave popcorn and I'll be fine...so you go do your thing."

Oh, um...I guess that one was mostly about me?

 

                                    "Happy birthday, I hope you have a good birthday.  I hope all your days are good.  Not just your birthday.  Birthdays are kinda dumb.  It's just any other day.  Maybe we should get cards everyday...like..."hey, congratulations for finally ripping that toenail off...you've been picking at it all week...so...congrats dude!"

Wow.  I am really NOT good at this, am I? 

  "Good morning, and a very happy birthday to you, kind sir.  I hope you have a

  lovely day.  Best Regards, Your very formal and awkward girlfriend."

Mhm...I am sooo getting dumped.  This is not even funny anymore!

  "Hey!  It's your birthday, so here's a gift card to Starbucks.  I know you like that place because one time you said...I like that place, so, I thought, cool...he likes that place.  So, Happy Birthday, and here's some coffee!  Love, Me."

Love?  Love, me?  No....too soon.  Can you sign love when you're not all....heyyyyyy I looooove you, yet?  Can you?  Can someone please answer me because I'm all over here like...I don't know...Is that a thing?  Helloooo???

    "Happy Birthday, Sweetie!  I hope your birthday is as special as you are, you are one of a kind and deserve to have that adorable smile on your face, all day, everyday!  Love, Me."

That's gonna have to do...that's totally good enough.  I mean...I hope so...right?  It's good...it's totally fine...totally.  He'll love it.  Well, the starbucks card, at least....