So...Happy Birthday?

I was at King Soopers this morning in search of the perfect birthday card.  It doesn't exist.  There.  I've saved you a lot of trouble...now you know, the birthday card that says everything you want it to is not out there.   Stop trying, you won't find it...just buy something that folds in half, stick a gift card inside and call it done, ok? 

I've been sitting at my desk for the past four hours trying to figure out what to write in this damn card!  What to say, what to say?  I don't know!!!!  Oh God, I don't know WHAT the hell to say!!! 

         "Dear New Boyfriend of 2 Months, Hi!  Happy Birthday!  You're cute! 

 Ok, bye!  See ya later!"

No...that won't work, I sound like an idiot.  Bye?  See ya later?  Really?  Ugh.

     "Dear Roger*, Hey, remember that time you peed on the toilet seat and you  

   wiped it right up?  Yeah, that was pretty awesome.  Anyway, Happy Birthday!"

*Name changed to protect the...whatever...forget it, this one is dumb too...

                                  "Hi Honey Bunny!  Happy Birthday, you're awesome and I hope you have an awesome birthday even though you won't be with me and I made all these plans and it was going to be so fun, but whatever, you'll be with your family, and I guess that's cool because I mean, that one lady did give birth to you and all, but it's like..whatever, like...we were gonna play air hockey together and eat steak and I was gonna be all heyyyyyy happy birthday, here's an awesome present, do you love it, do ya?  do ya?  So, it's fine, I'll just be at home by myself, watching Netflix with my bag of microwave popcorn and I'll be fine...so you go do your thing."

Oh, um...I guess that one was mostly about me?

 

                                    "Happy birthday, I hope you have a good birthday.  I hope all your days are good.  Not just your birthday.  Birthdays are kinda dumb.  It's just any other day.  Maybe we should get cards everyday...like..."hey, congratulations for finally ripping that toenail off...you've been picking at it all week...so...congrats dude!"

Wow.  I am really NOT good at this, am I? 

  "Good morning, and a very happy birthday to you, kind sir.  I hope you have a

  lovely day.  Best Regards, Your very formal and awkward girlfriend."

Mhm...I am sooo getting dumped.  This is not even funny anymore!

  "Hey!  It's your birthday, so here's a gift card to Starbucks.  I know you like that place because one time you said...I like that place, so, I thought, cool...he likes that place.  So, Happy Birthday, and here's some coffee!  Love, Me."

Love?  Love, me?  No....too soon.  Can you sign love when you're not all....heyyyyyy I looooove you, yet?  Can you?  Can someone please answer me because I'm all over here like...I don't know...Is that a thing?  Helloooo???

    "Happy Birthday, Sweetie!  I hope your birthday is as special as you are, you are one of a kind and deserve to have that adorable smile on your face, all day, everyday!  Love, Me."

That's gonna have to do...that's totally good enough.  I mean...I hope so...right?  It's good...it's totally fine...totally.  He'll love it.  Well, the starbucks card, at least....