So, it starts out like this...There I was, minding my own business, when all of the sudden, out of NOWHERE, Mr. Perfect practically fell out of the sky and right into my lap. I was a little hesitant to give Mr. Perfect (we'll call him Mr. P for short) the time of day, but I was immediately drawn in by his kind words and pretty blue eyes. It didn't take long for me to REALLY like Mr. P. After all, he said ALL the right things. ALL OF THEM! It was nice to hear things like "You're pretty!" "You are amazing!" "You mean EVERYTHING to me!" I was like OMG! Mr. P is sooooo sweet! Like SOOOOO totally awesome! I'm like hayyyyyy ya'll, look over here...this dude said I was pretty AND I mean EVERYTHING to him, so you all just better recognize!
I was pretty happy there for a minute. I was like awwwww....Mr. P...so sweet....you gave me a card. A cute one. And another one with lots of words...and I'm sure you meant every word that was written on that card, didn't you? EVERY.LAST.ONE! I am SURE of it! I could never be wrong about something like this! He likes me, he really likes me!
Like I said, I was pretty happy...getting tons of attention and hearing that I was pretty great from someone I thought was pretty great was...well...pretty great. But then I was all...I don't know, man. This guy says ALL the right things. Is this real life? Do guys really say ALL the things I want them to say? Yeah, probably not, but what the heck...ya know, let's go with the flow and believe it anyway, because he's nice to me and what's the harm in believing that somebody would really want to be nice to me. WHAT IS THE HARM IN THAT??????? HMMM??? I am asking you!!!
And then...one day I was like, ya know what, something just doesn't add up here and that's when I did a little digging and figured out HE WAS MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I was all...REALLY? Did that just HAPPEN? So I made my WTF face...which you will see below. All that time. All those words. All those lies. For what? What was the point of that?
Well, I was quite miffed, as you can imagine. No. Miffed does not cover it. I was pissed. And hurt. And like WHAT THE FUCK??? WHO does that? THIS guy, apparently. THIS guy does that. Spends hours upon hours making me believe that he gives a rat's asshole about me, only to have a wife at home probably totally unaware that he is a total sleazebag-dirtball-lying-no talent assclown!!! So...I went on ahead and did what any normal, sane woman would do. I called my best friend Kelley and cried like a little bitch. I was all "Kelley...what the FUCK! Why would he do that to me?" And she did exactly what a best friend should do...she was all, "Where is that mother fucker, I'm going to rip his fucking arms off!" And then I was all..."sniff sniff, but I LIKE his arms, Kelley!" And then I mostly got over it...because what the hell else can a girl do, except of course rip up the cards and...change his name in my phone to ASSHOLE. And then go through and erase every little trace of him from my life. Ahhhh....that feels better.
Oh look...he wanted JUST ME! It says it right there, with a heart exclamation point and everything, so it must be true. Too bad about that whole wife thing, man...too bad! Those were some real nice lies. Moving on, with my awesomeness in tact. Good day!
