Most days start off for me like this..."hey, didn't we have that one thing we had to do today...at that...um...place?"
This post on pause for the following reason: 13 year old daughter just walked up to me, laid her head on the dining table and said, "Mom...you're gonna be a cat lady. You need to get OUT there...I mean, not to the bars, mom, but NOT on facebook or online or whatever, ok?" Well fuckity fuck fuck fuck and excuuuuuse me! I'll just go drink a big fat glass of tequila and pass out so I can forget what a LOSER I am because I don't have a boyfriend.
Disclaimer: I will not be drinking any tequila because I don't want my momma to be disappointed in me. Also. Puking. I don't like that.
Update: I did drink the tequila. (Sorry Mop, and Pop, if that sorta thing matters to you.) Sometimes, and holy shit, it's not often, you just wanna be like, hey! Let's have a drink and forget all the stupid shit that happened today. And then, next thing you know, you're sad and pathetic and you have to be up in 3 hours and your best friend is NOWHERE to be found and you're all, why did I drink this nasty shit? Oh yeah, to forget. Forget about what? I dunno. Fuck, I already forgot. See? Mission accomplished!
Yay! All is forgotten...except the following dumb ass things...
1. I took Danika to a cheerleading class today that she wasn't enrolled in. Yeah, see, THAT is how I get free shit. See, what had happened was, I didn't talk to Ben and you know, ask him when her class ended, so I brought her today like a TOTAL dumb ass and the teacher asked to talk to me after class. And I was like, uh oh! What did I do...so I texted Ben, and I'm like, is this class over and he's all yeah and I'm all like shit, because she's in there now, cheering away! Hahaha! Joke is on me. But, whatever, cuz...free class!
2. I am watching Ben's girlfriend's dog while they go away for the week together. Does that make me a pushover? Maybe it does. MAYBE. IT. DOES. But, ya know what? One day, I'm gonna need a HUGE ass favor, ya know? And they'll be all...remember how nice and AWESOME Ginger has always been? She watched our ugly dog! What a pal! Yeah, THAT is how it is going to go down...and then they'll be all...we'll fuckin' do anything for her! She is the best ex-wife EVERRRRRRRR!!! You think this shit happens by accident...nope! I have a plan. Be nice and some good shit is gonna happen. Mmmmhhhmmmmm!!! Yes it will!!!
3. I forgot what I was doing here. What are these numbers for?
4. See, I was sitting at the dining table tonight typing to some friends and listening to music and hanging out while Rocky worked on a school project. I thought we were having fun. And then. BLAM. Out of nowhere, we were most certainly NOT having fun! Rocky laid her head on the dining table and said in the most serious kidding voice she could muster, "Mom, you are going to be the cat lady. You need to get out. Not to bars, Mom, and not on facebook or the internet either!" Well great...OMG, I just realized I already told this story at the top of the page! See kids? THIS is what tequila does to you. It steals your short term memory.
5. Ok, so I am trying to figure out what a boyfriend is good for. Because I'm thinking adding an extra person will be kiiind of a headache. Like for example, dinner. I'll have to start saying, "honey, what do you want for dinner?" When, really, I don't give a rat's ass what he wants for dinner. Also, he might want to watch something on tv I hate. FAIL! What if he has too many clothes and they won't fit in my closet? I mean, really...I think that's automatic grounds for a break up, don't you? What if he's messy and leaves his crap everywhere, like socks in the dining room. OMG, even worse! What if he's a neat freak! I am a slob at heart! I can't deal with a neat freak! All the messes I make must be able to be blamed on him, a neat freak would know he didn't leave out a bowl of guacamole and a half drank root beer overnight, but a slob? He'd be like...hmmm...maybe I did that and then I could be like yes you did! You ALWAYS leave guacamole out and I have to clean up after you! You owe me, you piggggggg!!! Yeah! That'll show him!!
6. Ok, things a boyfriend would be good for. I can do this, hold on. Ok, like when I am out with friends and every last mother fucker there is coupled up, if I had a boyfriend then I could be like, ha ha ha hee hee hee, we have our own private jokes and they are soooo funny! Ya know, I could stop being the third wheel. Also...food. If he had something delicious to eat I could be like, hey, boyfriend, lemme have a damn bite of that, that looks gooood, and he'd be like, yessssss, because he is my boyfriend and that is what they DO! Ooooh! He could drive! Yessss!!! OMG, I want a driver! Please! Ok, I will totally take a boyfriend if he will drive. Sold! Broke stuff. He could fix broke stuff! OMG, I am soooo happy about this boyfriend, hahahaha! You know why? Because I am freaking SICK of fixing broke stuff! Broke stuff = man's job, and as far as I know, I am not, nor never have been a man!!!
7. I changed my mind. All that stuff on #6. I can do that myself. None of that crap is worth the heartbreak when the lousy SOB leaves and breaks my fragile lil heart. (See that...that was bitterness there, yeah, I have a little. And it just came out. Which means...it must be time for bed. FML.)
I just realized I didn't talk about anything in this post I meant to. In fact, I don't even freaking remember what I had planned to write at all. Instead I ended up with this crap??? Really???
Oh! The tomato seed! Rocky hates tomatoes. We went to Applebee's. She ordered food. There was a tomato seed on her plate. She gingerly (see what I did there? haha) wiped it on her napkin. About 5 minutes later, the tomato seed was on her wrist. She wiped it on the table. A few minutes after that the tomato seed was on her arm. Hahahaha, at this point I was giggling. Because up until that moment, tomato seeds were not humorous in the least. But now? Freaking hilarious! Finally, she flinged (flung?) the seed across the restaurant. I didn't see where it went, but I bet it landed somewhere and some other tomato hater is gonna go home with that tomato seed plastered to their arm, LOL!!!!
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