I'm here!!! Doing my civic duty. I have to wear this sticker on my shirt...it says "juror" so I'm like all official, y'all. I hate these stickers cuz everyone puts 'em on their chest...that's where they GO and I know this, but when you're a lady-type, that sticker sits right on top of yo boob and it's like a neon sign screaming, "Hey, y'all! Look at my right boob! L@@K!!! There's a sticker there! And underneath...a boob!" I thought about putting it somewhere else, like on my belly button, but really, that would just cause people to say, "hey, shouldn't that be right THERE...you know...on your boob?"
The slide show started y'all. It says "Welcome to jury duty." Awww...isn't that nice? After the first slide I am not feeling so welcome. There are lots of slides that, in a nutshell, say, "YOU PARK HERE! NOT THERE!!! YOU PARK THERE, YOU GET TICKET! YOU PAY NOWWWW, MISTER!!!"
Nobody is sitting next to each other! Why dey do dis? It's like on an airplane. You know eventually the empty seats around you will be filled but for those first 15 glorious minutes before the flight takes off you delude yourself into thinking you will have space. WRONG!!! No space for you! Flight is full suckaaaaa!!! I chose an aisle seat, FYI... What? A girl's got to go potty without trippin' over a buncha dumb legs. Gosh!
OMG! We've been waiting 30 minutes since we checked in...what is going to happen next? What are they going to tell us?? We need informations right now. It's soooo quiet in here with all these people, yet so noisy. Sooo many noises. Sniffing, coughing, throat clearing, nose blowing, whispering, scratching, papers rattling, sipping, oh my!!!
Oh! It's video time! Being a juror is fun, video says, it is your civic duty. You do good job, or else! You do it NOWWWW!!! Even judges have to be jurors, and retirees and moms and dads and smelly men and perfumed ladies and people with no teeth and and and...
After video the judge is coming to talk to us. The JUDGE! He's like a celebrity! What will he say? Maybe we will get a stern lecture with lots of finger pointing and eyebrow furling. Or maybe he will tell a joke to lighten the mood. I like jokes. I bet he tells one that starts off with a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar....oh wait, here he is. Oh my gosh, his name is Judge Lynch. Hahahahahaha!!! Hee hee hee!! Oh...ouch...that struck my funny bone hard. LULZ!!! It turns out that the prosecution's eye witness was a flaky mcflakerpants and the whole case has been dismissed. We are free to go. What a let down! I feel robbed! I want to be jury NOWWWW!!!
Well, I have my day back, what should I do now...hmmm....how's about I go to my favorite restaurant since I'm already downtown. LUCILLE'S for the win! I love love love this place! It's a Cajun restaurant in an old downtown house. They serve spicy iced tea and beignets and grits and oh my gosh I love it soooo much. Before your meal they bring you a biscuit. Biscuit, oh boy!!!! That is a biiiig biscuit, enough for four people! There's apple butter and strawberry rhubarb preserves on the table...homemade...in little crocks, sooo cute! Yum. By the way, what the heck is a preserve? That's what I wanna know.
Don't eat too much biscuit, don't do it. Real food is next, nobody wants to fill up on biscuit, that's just silly!
Also, iPhone is my dining companion. Isn't he cute? Just sitting here hanging out with me. The chair's too big for him so I just hold him in my wittle hand, pushing all the buttons, typing things, reading stuff. What a good little iPhone. I am NOT the cat lady! NO! I am the iPhone Chica! I could have used the iPhone, to, you know...call someone to go out to eat with me, but that's too much trouble. People are so unpredictable with their silly schedules, and work and kids and crap. iPhone always there! iPhone go to breakfast with me! Thank you iPhone!
Oh look...here's the real food. The only thing I ever order at Lucille's...Eggs Pontchatrain...oh how I love thee! Let me count the ways! I love your yummy pan fried trout and your fluffy scrambled eggs and your down south grits and your rich hollandaise sauce. Right now you are my besttttt friend and I will eat you all up!
So breakfast is done, jury duty out of the way for another year...now it's time to go home, where I'll sit next to a lazy dog on the couch, watch crappy tv shows on netflix and write things to people on my laptop. Eventually this excitement will be just too much for me and I will require a long nap because after all, I have an overnight shift to look forward to at the good old police department. Yay for having a job! YAYYY!!! And boooo for having a shitty schedule. BOOOO!!!
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