People Are Coming!

Yesterday I realized I set off a chain of events which will have me frantically cleaning alternated with bouts of extreme laziness and procrastination. You see...PEOPLE are coming. That's right, I invited people over. To eat. And hang out. And...whatever people do when gathered en masse.

Oh the fun we will have...jokes will be told, we'll all throw our heads back in laughter, hahaha..."Muffy, wasn't that simply hilarious!" Muffy replies, "Oh yes, Duke, that was quite humorous!" The ladies will comment on how delicious the food is and exclaim, "Dear, I absolutely must have this recipe for my garden party next month." Oh, a gay time will be had by all, indeed! INDEED!

But...

...ah yes, you knew there would be a but. (or a butt)

This fine event will take place in two days time, and here I sit supremely distracted by things including, but not limited to: Facebook, Skype, squirrels, guacamole, my toe nails, when's the last time I shaved?, dog poop, purple light bulbs, is tomorrow trash day?...Aw crap! I'm firmly entrenched in the extreme lazy/procrastination phase. And there's so much to do, so much cleaning to be done, I need to clean ALL the things!



First things first...I've really been wanting to tackle the linen closet...it's just sooo disorderly and I need ORDER in my life, people. ORDER, I tell you! Dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, cooking, you can ALL wait, because the linen closet is bothering me NOW! This must be done or a successful gathering will NOT be had!

Steps to cleaning a linen closet:

1. Open door, stare at crap for 5 minutes.
2. Pee (in the bathroom, silly!)
3. Back to closet, stare some more.
4. Take everything out of closet and throw it on dining table.
5. Admire crap
6. Kids pick up crap and ask if they can have this. Say no. Think silently to self, why not?
7. Pick up lint roller and rub it all over clothes. Wonder why I don't use this more often.
8. Watch squirrels. Hmmm...are they married? Decide yes, they are.
9. Go to store, buy chips, salsa and guacamole. And donuts.
10. Come home. Eat chips, salsa and guacamole. And donuts. Go to bathroom. FAST!
11. Look at crap on dining table. Turn computer on.
12. Find eyeliner, put a lot on. Daughter says I look like a mime. Make frowning mime face.
13. Agonize over throwing out 9 year old deodorant.
14. Smell perfume. Stinks. Don't throw it out. Give THAT to youngest daughter.
15. Sweep all of crap off table into large cardboard box. Throw it in garage. Vow to organize it "later."

Stay tuned for the next chapter of "I shoulda done this, but instead I did that." And other tales like, "How I pulled that off at the last minute, when really, I should have failed miserably."

Credit for totally awesome paint drawing goes to this blog, which is QUITE humorous, I can guarantee!
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
Be sure to read this post:
www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

27 Things

Number of things on tomorrow's to do list: 27.

Number of things that will be completed: 3.

OMG, it's 4 FREAKING 21 am Monday morning and I am STILL awake! Curse you, you evil bastard who made me take a night shift...curse curse curse you!!! At least I've had ample time to lay here and stare at the ceiling and fantasize about each and every one of the 27 things on my list that I will dutifully complete tomorrow. Tomorrow shall be a flurry, an ABSOLUTE FLURRY of activity, I tell you!

Mount washmore is calling my name...I think I'll re-wash that load a third time...transferring those heavy ass wet clothes to the dryer was just too much for me the first two times, so I just hit the wash button and washed 'em again. L-A-Z-Y, that's what my mama would say. Mhm. Also, I cannot get this song lyric outta my head..."can I get yo name, can I get yo numbah?" I can assure you that I am in no mood for getting anyone's name, much less their "numbah" so maybe I could stop singing it over and over and over? And...I shouldn't have eaten that pizza in bed. Crumbs hurt! They FU*&ING hurt! Why? They are so tiny...but they are stabbing me and it's making me want to straight up kill a mo fo!

Is my insomnia obvious? Am I doing crazy talk? Wait. WAIT! This post was about my to do list g*d damn it! FOCUS! Ok, I got it...I am for SURE going to roll the trash cart back into the garage tomorrow. Really, I'm starting to think that leaving it on the street is just fine...I mean, I put it out on Wednesday morning for trash day, sleep all day, go to work Wednesday night, come home Thursday morning...too tired to walk to the curb to bring it in. Next day, pull in garage after work, eh, neighbors don't seem too annoyed by the can...it can stay another day. Third day, Trash can? We don't need no stinking trash cans! Day 4, home from work. See trash can...fuck it, don't even care. If the GD neighbors don't like it, they can roll the MF up to the house themselves. Sunday-oldest daughter admonishes me for leaving trash can out. I tell her...what's the big deal, trash day is just 3 days away, let's be SUPER crazy and leave it out all week! Cue eye roll. Mom = FAIL!

I forgot what I was saying...something about doing stuff...and things...yeah, we'll see how that goes.

This Made Me Laugh

Reading stories online...found this one that made me LOL. I hope it's not just night shift making me think everything is extra funny...enjoy!

After I had knee surgery (ACL reconstruction, as well as fixing my meniscus), I was totally loopy on the way home. My parents asked me what I wanted to eat (having not eaten in nearly 24 hours) & we went to a local fast food joint. They got me a burger. We stopped in the parking lot so my mom could open it for me, spread the wrapper out on my lap, and tuck napkins into my shirt. She hands me the burger, and we drive off.

I take a bite, and that first bite was *heaven*. Just an explosion of deliciousness. So good that just the taste fulfilled my needs for the moment & I fell back asleep. And woke up again when we hit a bump & the bite of burger fell out of my mouth.

Looked up, the parents were up front talking & driving. Put the bite back into my mouth. Fell asleep again. Woke up again when the bite fell out.

I did that little routine the whole hour-drive home. And I didn't realize until my mom told me, years later, that they noticed about 10 mins into the drive and giggled the whole way home, watching me.

Who Am I?

A few weeks ago I went out to the mailbox for my daily dose of "crap I'm just gonna throw away" when I noticed something inside that had not been there before. The mailman had cut out a nice rectangle of paper and taped it on the inside of the mailbox. A reminder of sorts, I'm guessing, of all Ginger's previous lives.

I stopped and stared for a second and thought to myself...how the heck does the mailman know all of my names? I hadn't filled out a change of address card, I didn't tell the mailman I'm a two time divorcée. How does he KNOW? That's what I wanna know. At this point, I'm getting a little pissed. Ok, a LOT pissed. I can't even be ME anymore. I have to be the girl with three last names. I have to explaiiiiinnnnn to all the curious people, "oh yeah, I was married before, and once before that...oh and this is what happened and isn't it just soooo freaking interesting?"

Oh...I said freaking, whoops, sorry about that. Lately the topic just gets me lit up. I can't even pinpoint why, but I think the biggest thing for me is that I am ME, GINGER...that's it, love me or hate me, that's who I am. Some days I feel defined by my last name and it really ANNOYS me. What's the best choice when your ass gets straight up dumped, yo? Yeah, I'm gangsta now, y'all best step off! But for reallls, y'all, for reals...what was I supposed to do, go back to my maiden name? I love that name, but really...it makes me feel like I'm 10 years old and just learning cursive for the first time. And obviously I can't be Ginger husband#1'slastname. (Sorry, Matt) The obvious choice is to keep the same last name my kids have. An Irish girl with a German last name. Perfect.

Maybe I should just change my name to a symbol that nobody can pronounce, just like Prince did. How about this?



How ya like that? Does that work?

Look, folks, I don't regret anything in my life. Everything for a reason, I'm me because of all my experiences, no matter if they are good or bad. But I really resent people whispering behind my back...oh my goshhhh! Did you know she used to be married to so-and-so, and did you KNOW what happened??? Oh isn't that just awful?? Shut UP! Seriously...shut it, it's so annoying, and unnecessary, there are so many other interesting things to know about a person other than who they were married to, who they dated, who they went to prom with. Whatever! I'm tired. Night shift is kicking my ass big time and I blame this rant solely on my craptastic shift which deprives me of sleep all of my days!

Love!

Imposter!

The other day I was running around the house frantically searching for my shoes so I could go to work when Rocky looked over at me and said, "hmmm...at least I know you're not an imposter."

I think my 13 year old just called me out! Not only that, I think this means I have a reputation for...what...losing my shoes? Being disorganized? Waiting til the last minute? Sigh...all of the above. It makes me wonder what other things the kids know about me and just say..."well that's just how mom is!"

Valentine's Day & Pizza

It's Valentine's Day...I'm not big on holidays but I wanted to get the kids a little treat for today. So off we went to Papa Murphy's for one of those fancy heart shaped pizzas. Apparently everyone else had the same idea...valentine's day = heart shaped pizza. Yum!

Anyway, as I was trying to pay the cashier, Nico looked up at me and said, "Oh no! Mommy, are you crying?" (I wasn't, FYI) I told him I wasn't and he blurts out REALLY LOUDLY, I might add, "IS IT BECAUSE YOU WANT DADDY BACK???" OMFG OMFG OMFG, really Nico, REALLY??? Did you really just say that ON Valentine's day while I'm buying a stupid ass heart shaped pizza in a crowded restaurant full of people INCLUDING two of his dad's co-workers??? Ugh. Soooo embarrassing. And the sucky part is that I can't tell Nico all the reasons I don't "want daddy back" I just have to smile and pat him on the head and move on with my day...

By the way, I burnt the pizza. On accident.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all.

Valentine's Dance

Danika and Nico went to their school's Valentine's Dance and Nico spent the night running around chasing people and avoiding my camera while Danika danced it up with a kindergartener.